GOD IS LOVE

...resentment...

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 10:52:20 GMT

So it's all the small little things that you have allowed to accumulate into this huge resentment that you have against me! That's what you told me over the phone at 5:28 pm today. And I believed you. I knew how it felt like.

You resented me last night for not letting you drive me home. You resented me for not allowing you to take care of me the way you wanted to. You resented me for being blind to your love and affection---shown to me, may be not through your words---but through your small little deeds that you do to me daily. So you went to sleep resenting. So you woke up resenting.

I forget faster than you do. God has made me that way. Probably that's why I recover more quickly from emotional bruises...But you are the one who always remembers that we are in love. Okay maybe not in love per se (Who dares to say we arent anyway!) but the fact that we have chosen to bind ourselves together, under God, and that we wouldnt stop being faithful to each other and to Him. I forget that sometimes. I forget that you are a man of your words, that you always mean what you said 3 months ago, even when you are silent. Even when you resent. Now the point is that I forget it too easily.

I forgot it and I let the tempter whisper these lies into my ears last night in my sleep: that your faithfulness could only last that far, that your silence meant anger---(and to me anger always meant unreasonableness, violence, hatred, bitterness--thanks to my earthy father), that your silence meant you were sick and tired and wanting a way out of this covenant with me and God, that you wanted to chicken out, that you wanted to admit defeat...that you were just like all the other male chauvinistic pigs whom I swore never to know. Those lies were scary. But I believed them.

And I tossed over in my bed last night, clinging onto God for my (last) comfort. He seemed distant and my heart was heavy. I couldnt trust Him.

But this afternoon there was sunshine all over again! There was sunshine all around me because of those words you spoke to me. You didnt intend to resolve my fears, I knew! But you saved me from those lies I believed in and helped me to see God again.

Thank you.

...beloved...

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:34:03 GMT

Suffering is real.

It's the Devil's way of robbing us of each other, of robbing you from me!

Today I saw tears in your eyes and imagined thousands of tormenting thoughts hidden behind your agonizing face. I saw and I knew, that you needed me, more than ever, to be (completely) on your side. It doesnt suffice for me to understand your fears, only to push them aside and then enjoy the rest of who you are. It doesnt suffice for me to watch you from a distance and say pious prayers whenever you tell me you hurt! No, it doesnt suffice!

Today I wanted to crawl inside you and feel your pain. To put my hand into that emptiness so that it would stop spreading. I wanted to be a part of you now. Havent I already am? I dont have any answers. I dont have any explanations on God's behalf...and I dont believe that He will reveal these to me in this life time. Today I learned that you needed my presence so much more than my intellect. You didnt need my smart philosophies about life, about love, about God...Yo only needed my presence and my silence! You needed my 'yes' and 'let's go' and 'I will be there for you'...You needed these most when I can mean them without having to actually say the words. You needed to believe that you are not alone in this 'impossible battle' against darkness. And beloved, you arent!

'What do you do when you are afraid?'
'What do you do when you miss me?'
'Say your prayers to heaven and I will hear you!'
'But you are not God!'
'I will still hear anyway!'

I promise I will be there for you.

Anna.

...silence...

Thu, 28 May 2009 08:41:24 GMT

And you have been wondering why this blog was left silent for such a long time! It's been either God or Den or both of them who listened to me all this while. I felt no need to come here to type down my thoughts...but probably the blogging season is back! Now.

I have been good. Have been keeping close to God..and I am so blessed. Everything in my life is so full of His grace: waking up early, keeping the room, beginning to cook, traveling around, prayer meeting...I feel God reaching out to embrace me and the moment that I am in. I am a slave to no-one, but a servant of righteousness. And I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is the power of God working in those who believe. May I be a food for Christ my Lord, so that good can triumph over evil in the end. May the allures of this present life and the thirst for physical comfort be silenced within my soul. I am sitting before Christ right in my room this Thursday afternoon, contemplating how the universe pales in comparison with my holy Lord.

The vision trip which Den is in has set me thinking and praying much. And I thank God that it should be this way. It has brought us so much closer to each other...though I want so much more to feel his struggles, to soothe his sorrows, to lighten his load. There is this prayer for divine intervention which I keep praying, but even then I know the answer lies elsewhere, within reach...(of our feeble arms). I am silenced sometimes, by the seeming absence of God and the seeming greatness of indifference, both within and around! But somehow the silence is leading me to a place of absolute trust, a place where one can do nothing but willingly surrender in awe and gratitude. I found so many things displeasing within my own soul but praise be to the Holy God that I am no longer trying to set things right. I am surrendering. It was difficult at first. It is much easier now.

What I have for Den isnt just a feeling. I know when it is one. I have for him a calling from God, something much higher than both of us combined. I am growing surer and surer by the days, that God has a great plan going for us. Something extra-ordinary! Very extra-ordinary! May the Lord count me worthy of this holy calling, and grant me the love and humility I will need to walk this path in obedience.

'Anna, whose heart are you wearing', said Pastor See last Sunday in church. I thank my Lord that I could say without being ashamed that it was someone's heart---very fragile yet very strong all at once. I am proud of it. Will always be.

But this isnt really meant for him to read...because I would have told him all this already. It is written instead for you, the one facing this screen: so that you can see and witness that the Lord is the father of the heavenly light, the giver of every good and perfect gift! May your heart be blessed today and may all your thoughts gravitate towards the author of life---in whom we live and move and have our beings!

Blessed afternoon!

Anna

...Finally...

Tue, 05 May 2009 13:13:21 GMT

Finally the holidays are here.

I cant wait to spend long hours just praying! With someone of course! He is looking at me typing this and studying for his last module tomorrow.

I am just going to sit here and pray!

Thank You Jesus for all You have been to us.

I will be back!

...Just enjoy the show...

Sun, 03 May 2009 09:43:55 GMT

I am back here again, to write. I told you last week that I felt like I had been living rather than writing lately...and it wasnt a lie. When I get to sit down to type about things like this, you can be sure that I am finally serious. Not giggling, not trembling all over with nervousness, not pushing you away just because I need some space to grow up first. Childishness is this bubble I am still sleeping in. And perhaps you are too gentle to pop it for me.

I love Dennet' favourite song, the one you showed me yesterday. I love how the words were just like cool crystal rolling off her heels and I remember she sang about the sun...I didnt understand the last bit...the bit about enjoying the show. And then when you asked me later whether I knew what the whole song meant I realised that I didnt. Everything has been such a dream. That's what dreams are like isnt it? They seem so right but inexplicable. So there...I am not trying to rationalize you and us.

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I�m so scared but I don�t show it
I can�t figure it out
it�s bringing me down I know
I�ve got to let it go

And just enjoy the show
oh oh
Just enjoy the show
oh oh

I�m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don�t know where to go
Can�t do it alone I�ve tried
And I don�t know why

And errily I feel like her, too. Somehow. Sometimes I cant seem to get enough of what you are...sometimes I am so scared I need you to slow it down--it's too much for me.

But I still cant wait to spend some more time with you! Last yesterday at Mac when you really opened up and you told me that I didnt need to tell you that something I wanted to tell you. Thank you Den. I treasure moments like that the most, too. And then at the locker when you said that even if things dont work out could we at least be friends still. You know what? YES. Friends!

But you have already asked and I have already said yes and first official is still on this Wednesday. Cant wait to be there for you. I am going to tell Mom how excited I am and she is going to laugh at me again!

...well may be...

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:28:00 GMT

Just when I am so happy about everything!
Why must you tell me this now?

...Anna, welcome home...

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 04:22:43 GMT

Jesus, please calm my heart today, and take me gently into that posture of loving and waiting, upon You, the sole goal of my life. I have been rushing around too much. I have been absent for too long. Your prodigal has left home again.

But today there is a feast waiting for me.

I have letters to write. I have confessions to make. I have responsibilities to shoulder. And I have You my Lord my God my strength my refuge. Jesus, please let me walk with You.

...sunflowers...

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:04:19 GMT

Something happened to me yesterday and it's likely to change my life forever. I am in for a journey to somewhere better...and I am going to be nervous all the way. But the things that have happened to me so far are so intense and wonderful that I cant even begin to describe them in this blog. I wont ever be able to forget what happened yesterday. The rain, the sun on our faces, the warmth, everything is coming back to me again this morning. It seems there is a new girl Anna, for the first time on the face of the earth, who has managed to enter this grand story, which (in Dr Lewis' words) goes on forever, and every chapter is better than the one before.

Today, there is a new life waiting over the page.

And I am glad and thankful, even if that page contains scribblings of the momentum balance for pressure drop in my water gas shift...and all this viscosity correlations that I am not yet sure where to find.

I feel like a little girl lost in a field of sunflowers. God has found me. I will let myself be found, again and again.

Thank you for being in this with me.

I am with D _ _ _ _. God is happy with that. Is that any problem for you?

...first...

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 01:38:21 GMT

I am scared! I was scared the whole of last night. I am still scared now.

...not exciting, just good...

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:01:57 GMT

I think I can be a good girl.
Not exciting.
Just good.

I need some time to get used to it, though. And you must not stop praying for me. I watched the season go past my shoulder on my way to Kentvale today and I could feel purpose pushing against my vein as the blood rushed from my heart to my mind. Everything seemed so connected. I felt whole, real and impossibly human.

spoke to Mom about this crazy thing again and I decided that 'Mom I wont want to talk about this any more' and she told me again how much she loved me and how she got so worried sometimes imagining the sort of things that would happen to me. She asked me questions that tickled the inside of my stomach and made me laugh out (audibly) in the middle of an MSN conversation. Mom, I dont want it any other way.

So this is how I will be.
Not exciting, just good.
And if that isnt enough for you... probably you were never meant to be where I am and where I will be. It's so absolutely okay with me now. Really.