God is love

I think I can be a good girl.
Not exciting.
Just good.

I need some time to get used to it, though. And you must not stop praying for me. I watched the season go past my shoulder on my way to Kentvale today and I could feel  purpose pushing against my vein as the blood rushed from my heart to my mind. Everything seemed so connected. I felt whole, real and impossibly human.

 spoke to Mom about this crazy thing again and I decided that 'Mom I wont want to talk about this any more' and she told me again how much she loved me and how she got so worried sometimes imagining the sort of things that would happen to me. She asked me questions that tickled the inside of my stomach and made me laugh out (audibly) in the middle of an MSN conversation. Mom, I dont want it any other way.

So this is how I will be.
Not exciting, just good.
And if that isnt enough for you... probably you were never meant to be where I am and where I will be. It's so absolutely okay with me now. Really.

Dear Jesus,

I must not break down today! You will have to hold me tight. I cant afford to break down today. Please tell me that everything is going to be alright. Please tell me it was only a bad dream.

I must be stronger than this.

Can we, please
Can we please
do this all over
after the night?

Tomorrow I will be brand new
you'll cease being bitter
I will stuff laughter
into your luggage
when you arent lookin'

Along the ride you will sing
dreamy eyes, smiling lips
You'll be in my picture like this
blessed beyond the world

And you will tell me you're sure
that it's only your shadow
whom I met tonight

I will sleep through that flight
next to someone
who isnt
wishing...
...he were
somewhere else! 

For so long I had my hour of the day: 11pm.
And now it is my day of the month
Imagine when it will become my month of the year, December of course
And then if I get to choose the year of my life-time I could very well be 2009.

Does all this make sense to you?
No, it shouldnt.
It really shouldnt.

However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him" but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.


The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:

 "For who has known the mind of the Lord
      that he may instruct him?"
 But we have the mind of Christ.


But we have the mind of Christ! Christ You have truly loved us and given Yourself for us. How could we not give ourselves for You?

Was there a moment you wished
the charming hand
offered in haste
was a Fairytale instead?

I could have done it better
writing a storyline  for you and I
you would be my favourite character
with that million dollar smile!

And I would borrow your shoulder to cry
when the night falls
when I aint I and you aint you
I would have forgotten your fears
and loved you into existence!

Now there is only silence
and that familiar lump in my throat
for no reason at all

I am so afraid my time is running out
One of these days, in one of my stories
you would chance upon these words in my blog
and you wouldnt know that they're written for you

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.


But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:1-10

Oh God, how is it that You could love me this much? How is it that You could be faithful for so long? Can I tell you I love You? Can I tell You that I have never found anything as sure and constant as Your love? Can I tell You that even though I have gone astray a million times I have never arrived at anything good that is outside of You? I have nothing to ask for at this moment. Everything I do, everything I have, let it be for Your sake!

all these reports and assignments, this Sunday School Lesson, these friends, these meetings...let them all shine Your radiance. My sleep now: let it be calm and patient, undisturbed and rested in You. It's strange how soon I forget my problems when I am with You! Oh Christ, I feel You tonight in the wind.

I think I have just touched eternity.

Bai viet nay Quynh Anh lay tu blog cua Pham Ha. Lau lam roi to khong doc cai gi lam cho to phai dung lai nhu the nay. Cam on cau!

Một ngày mà mức độ ức chế sự việc h́nh như tăng cao cả về số lượng lẫn chất lượng.
Tớ bỏ qua.
Những điều thối tha nên thổi nó bay, không th́ mùi nó cứ ám măi.
Tớ chỉ giữ cảm giác bên cậu.
Suy Nghĩ. Vậy thôi.


Hà Nội mùa dở ương. Gió lùa vào tận những mép áo. Tớ co ro trong chiếc áo ấm mỏng, như mọi lần cậu sẽ càu nhàu cái tính qua loa này nhưng hôm nay chẳng nói ǵ chỉ đưa tay kéo khoá áo cao lên cổ. Tớ bảo kệ chứ, khoe áo " study SOS" bên trong. Rồi chẳng hiểu, tớ lại tự đưa tay kéo áo ḿnh. Gió lùa rơ qua những đợt chân tớ run.

Hà Nội trưa, nắng không vươn nổi, chói ẩm ương. Tớ ngồi bên cậu trong 1 góc ngă tư Phố cổ, một túi dứa để trước ghế, 2 cốc bia hơi c̣n lưng chông chênh bên vụn Kebab. Cậu đọc sách, hút thuốc. Tớ tựa đầu vào vai cậu nghe Jack Johnson. Lặng im.

Tớ nheo mắt qua chỗ Bà già, hàng cây chắn mất, chả biết bà í có đang thao thao " hết đậu non chỉ c̣n đậu già" và ăn gian 1 vài ngh́n lẻ của khách.Tớ nh́n ra cửa vào ngôi nhà đổ nát thẳng trên con đường. Một chiều tớ và Pl dắt Marlon đi may sơmi ở đây và đợi cậu đi làm về. Chiều đó sao mà xa...

Tớ ngó sang góc đường chéo. Indochina & unk agency đập vào mắt. " Này, mày xem indochina chưa?" . "Rồi, mày xem chưa ?". "Chưa". Im lặng. Cậu dán mặt vào sách. " tao muốn xem Indochina ". Cậu dừng đọc, ngẩn lên : " Ở gần đây có cái ǵ có chữ Indochina không? ". " Là sao? có, bên kia đường". " hèn j, không có chữ đó th́ mày đâu có thế này." Nó lại chằm chằm vào sách.

Tớ lại ngắm mùa đi qua khu phố. Như thể không c̣n việc ǵ khác cần phải làm hơn.

Nghĩ về bọn "sâu quạ" nhớ ra một truyện ngắn của Nguyễn Minh Châu đọc từ xa lắc, không nhớ nổi tên bởi cuốn sách cũ đến mức vài trang cứ mục dần ra rồi lạc mất. Truyện viết về cách đàn bà sống với nhau trong một khu tập thể. Một câu chuyện thú vị. Giá mà tớ có được cái tài hoa châm biếm và yêu thương được như Nguyễn Minh Châu. Ừ, ĐÀN BÀ!

"Này, mày tưởng tượng xem sau này tao sẽ như thế nào ?". Cậu hỏi tớ. " Sau này mày sẽ thành công và xinh đẹp, có điều mày vẫn cô độc". " ừm, tao cũng nghĩ thế, cô độc" . " Tao cũng sẽ ở 1 ḿnh sau này nhưng là cô độc vui, không như mày, cô độc buồn". Chả hiểu sao tớ lại nói thế. Chỉ là cảm giác.

Tớ và cậu có nhiều taste giống nhau. Những cái taste cần có bạn cùng. Tớ xinh và cậu xinh, Nhưng chúng ḿnh xinh khác nhau. Tớ điên và cậu điên. Nhưng chúng ḿnh điên khác nhau. Tớ buồn và cậu buồn, chung thể loại nhưng chúng ḿnh buồn khác nhau và ứng xử trước nỗi buồn khác nhau. Và sự khác nhau đôi khi đẩy chúng ta ra xa.

Và bây giờ tớ cô đơn, cậu cô đơn. Nhưng chúng ta cô đơn khác nhau. H́

Chỉ là cảm giác. Cảm giác th́ lên và xuống. Thay đổi được. Như từ " Thời tiết" c̣n phải chạy dài mới theo cho kịp từ "khí hậu".

Tớ nằm trên vai cậu. Gần và yên . Đâu đó tớ không có cảm giác gần cậu. Tớ không nắm bắt được. Tớ không bù được cho sự cô đơn này. Tớ biết cậu trách tớ. Và đỗ lỗi mọi người. Tớ chỉ im.

" tao thích phim "emperor of the Sun", thích cách nh́n nhận mất mát, cách sống cô đơn, cách luôn giữ đam mê, và cách tiếp nhận những cái mới, tao thích v́ nó có nhiều điểm giống với cuộc sống của J ". " mày nên t́m xem".

Ừm, tớ muốn cậu xem. Chỉ là một ư nghĩa thoáng qua khi tớ nằm và ngắm bầu trời thế này. Tớ và cậu , 2 đứa đang thèm khát mùa hè. Ví dụ : Nắng ấm.

Tớ ước ai đó chụp cho bọn ḿnh 1 bức ảnh, trong tư thế này, giữa góc phố tây này, nơi thật sự gắn với nhiều người và gắn với nhiều điều.

Cậu là photographer, cậu không chụp được cho chính ḿnh.
Tớ có photograph memory nhưng tớ không nh́n thấy chính ḿnh.
Và không ai trong chúng ta có thể nhớ được chính xác cảm xúc.


Rồi tớ viết cho cậu và cho chính ḿnh.

Thật may là cậu to cao béo khoẻ. Tớ nằm yên thích thú

Nằm ngắm mùa đi qua vai cậu.

Có thể yêu thương không phải lúc nào cũng nói được thành lời.

It's Saturday Morning, so here I am.

I must say I feel wonderful this morning.

I feel WOW! I feel strength. I feel love. I feel readiness. I feel youth and beauty. I feel patience. I feel gratitude. I feel faith.

There was a time you belonged nowhere. You sailed unanchored on troubled seas. You were never allowed ashore. Your sorrows were never sad enough. You joys never happy enough. Your dreams never big enough. Your life never important enough. To matter.

Then Christ entered your life.
Or more precisely, you entered His.
And things never stayed the same anymore.

Remember there was a time you weren't yet beginning to live, when everything was a shadow in your black little world of little sunlight.

Remember the joy?

Remember the glory?

Remember me?

I know a girl 21 years old who refuses to settle for mediocrity, because she has seen what high standards look like and she wouldnt want anything less. I know a girl like that who spent two hours this afternoon contemplating the coldness of the weather, despite piles of work waiting to be completed. She is someone really loved, really well looked after and she knows it very well too. Yet today she found herself fighting off the temptation of not reciprocating that love and care showered on her. She found herself shuddering at the thought that one day she wouldnt have time for the people and the things that matter the most. It's one of those shudders that came from the ice inside, that wouldnt let her feel better even after 5 minutes under the hand dryer. Today the weather didnt seem right.

I know a girl who fell asleep today on her bed with a bible on her...and woke up just before dinner deciding there was something she needed to change. Probably this sudden moodswing has got to do with the Fick's equation and Roots of Bessel Functions which has been tied up in a terrible knot in her mind, which, of course,  she has been refusing to consider for the past week or so. Probably it has got to do with Disciple Group tomorrow instead, which makes her think of this recent fallout between her and God regarding loving when it's so taxing and inconvenient. Probably it's just that strange notion of holding up someone (not too close not too far, just a 'viable dieable' distance) on the phone every night and yet it still cant seem to be enough.  She wished she had a reason for it. A reasonable reason...so that she could tell her Mom without being nervous.

Whatever it is the weather felt a little too cold for her comfort today.
Whatever it is, she has decided to continue to be me.