God is love

I had a wonderful time in school last week, getting puzzled by non-Eulidean geometry in Mathematical thinking class, trying to decipher differential equations in Thermodynamics lectures, and, of course, worrying myself sick about calling my Campus Crusade disciples. On Friday, Auntie Ros drove up NUS Central Library busstop, pulled me in her car and off we went to Guild House for lunch. I ordered New York hotdog and we waited almost half an hour for my hotdog which was possible flown over from New York. Anyway, she drove me to my Econs class in Science after that. There was this very cute looking Econs tutor. He spoke with this accent which was so amusing I couldnt stop smiling at him. I managed to write 2 testimonials through out the week; but the deadline is tomorrow and please tell me what I am doing here at this blog at this hour!

My life and its many things to juggle huh? You sure dont want to be part of it, do you?

I have learned this from auntie Ros on Fri, 'because God has given me the impossible, I now am able to make up for the difference'

...The difference between the false measure that people give me and the honest measurew which I deserve.
...the difference between that cold shoulder of a certain group of Chem Engin peeps and the warmth I expected from them.
...the difference

It seems I am now spending this life making up for differences.
And I hope I have done well thus far, for today at least.

Now Anna Luu Quynh Anh is so tired, she is going to sleep first and care about it tomorrow. Good night.

...every moment is pregnant with new life, all eagerly waiting to be born.

The words stayed with me since morning, after I read the first devotion from a familiar book, Here and Now, by Henri Nouwen. It took on a whole new meaning to me today as I experienced it out moment by moment.

Quite intangible, but it isnt illusive. It is there, and if I really want to reach out to let that joy condense on my skin, I can. There was an urge to hasten my walk along the canteen walkway, but something inside me tried to hold back, lest the joy wont stay in my rush.

I am guarding my joy. They say it is like falling in love. Then I suppose I must suck as a lover, because tonight in my conversation with my Mom, I found it so hard to say nice things about him---and that put this weight of guilt upon me. Am I loved all the same?

I wanted to tell him that I wouldnt mind having lunch with him again tomorrow. But when I reached out for my phone, I decided against it; I would be better off by myself. I think something is happening between us, and it seems that he feels it as well. My Mom spoke to me the other day as if she was certain he was the one for me. It must be in the tone of my voice, because I dont remember saying anything that would be suggestive of my feelings. I hope my Mom is wrong.

Because I cant imagine myself crying on those shoulders!

Because he has known too much about myself.

I havent yet become comfortable with being so thoroughly known.

I hate having to answer all those questions he has for me, but I am obliged to answer all the time; and everytime it reveals more of my deepest darkest secret.

I hope God didnt intend us to be together. It isnt fair for him.

I am trying my best to be good. And it involves alot of discipline. I try to write offline messages to my mom and my sister whenever I come back from something. I dont really talk to people anymore, unless it is really necessary. The one-month holiday has made me realise the magnitude of that role I play in my family and among my relatives. Certainly what happened has changed me.

I know you hate me writing this way, because you cant guess what really happened to me. Sorry darling but I'd rather go do my tutorials than confiding in this blog. It doesnt talk back to me. And what I want now is action, results. I want to be good.

Impossible. No. I M POSSIBLE. I am possible. He is possble. Christ is, that is. There comes a point in your life when it is easier to believe  that God turned the Red sea into blood than to believe that He can turn the heart of someone you know. Sometimes it is easier to become a victim of things we cant chnage. Sometimes we stop loving because we dont believe in the power of love. I am in one of those moments. Pardon me if I have been cross to you.

And Lord, what do You think of all this?
I have told You what I think.
But what do YOU think?

I'm waiting.

God, it happened again last night, and today my heart was sore. My heart was heavy. It was literally heavy, as if a leaden weight hanging in my breast.

The boat ride, the water, the colour of the sea and the sky in the late afternoon eased my burden a little bit. But it kept coming back to haunt me, again and again, every little while. I tried to put on a smile here and there, play this and that with the children, gave some irrelevant comments whenever I could...so that the pain wouldnt be too visible. But it was.

I thank You for those two wonderful people who took me into their house and spoke to me tonight about it. I thank you for what I did tonight. And I have no regrets. I really dont. I feel so relieved from the stress and fear.

Thank You, my Jesus.

Lord,

I have to hold on and stay where I am for all these people.

The stress got to me yesterday so I decided to do some exercise again. I feel I need to start my exercise regime all over again. I have been such a slacker at this. Today we had a rehearsal and was trying to figure out the lighting and the stage...Everything feels okay now.

Lord, I am bad aint I?

Bad girl!

Help me to be good. I want to be good for you.

When I find the words I have to write them down.
But tonight I have found none.
None that can communicate how I feel at the moment.

But Lord, can I tell You I love You?
Can I tell You that I dont mind being a fool before these people, just so that I can be accepted before You; that I am sorry about how tempted I was tonight to be discouraged about this concert which has claimed my thoughts and attention for months; that there were so many things I am ignorant of, which makes me feel so small, helpless, insignificant. Can I tell You that I am not used to this?

I have so much before me O Lord, to do.

I have so much before me, O Lord, to undo.

I wish the feeling could go away. But I will trust that You know better, and that You are going to help me out.

It will be better tomorrow right?

There must be more than this.

I am tired of all this empty talk, Lord. The shrill exchange at parties, the dull discussions at meetings, the meaningless banalities of greetings in the lift. All our dreary accounts of our ailments or our money or the exam papers in school.

You, who gave us the marvellous gift of language, must despair. Why do we go through life with our mouths open letting these inanities pour out as an excuse for speech?

There is beauty within each of us, Lord, for You made us perfect, in Your image, and You are there.

There is nobility and goodness surely, through Your indwelling presence.

But we are so dumb and lonely and anxious and inept when we try to communicate. In our poor efforts to reach each other we hold back, our lips are locked lest we reveal what we truly think and feel. It is as if we are afraid to acknowledge the living God within us, perfect and whole. Our outward imperfections stop us, our petty concerns. We are ashamed to lay claim on beauty and significance.

Oh, God, please help us to speak freely to each other with more dignity, joy, and purpose. Deliver us, Lord, from these empty locks of talk.

Marjorie Holmes

Dear Lord,

I have just come back from prayer meeting and You have encouraged me so greatly tonight.

I spent almost the entire day with auntie Linda and Uncle Leslie to learn what it means to submit to authority, and what it means to make disciples of other people (We may need to shed one bucket of blood to inspire one drop from my disciple). I have indeed grown. Have come to grasp reality much better. And I thank You Lord that I have not fallen away because of the imperfections of the world and of others. I thank You that I have not been rendered ineffective because of the the lies from the evil one, that even though wounded, I am back in the battle.

It made saying hi to her so much easier this evening. Thank You Lord.

On a much less serious note, auntie Linda decided to give me a new name. Anna Faith. It used to be Anna Lim and then now it is Anna Faith.

Lydia Lim: what? Anna Faith? But I dont like Anna Faith.
Auntie Linda: That's your problem. I like Anna Faith.

So she went to introduce me to this another guy as Anna Faith. I think it is a nice name. But it is so funny to change your name altogether. Maybe when I apply for PR I will ask them to change my name. Perhaps. But I still think Anna Banana is fine. It is like a trademark you see. People around here know me as such anyway.

I am meeting auntie Linda today. Yay!
Will be back in the afternoon.

Yesterday Anna's apple and cinamon cake was fantastic. So were all the conversations with her parents regarding teaching in Ngee Ann Poly. On the way back I did something silly again.

But it should pass.

Heh. =)